COMMUNICATION - Dealing with Non-Assertiveness

Dealing with Passive Behaviour

People often behave in a passive way because of low self-esteem or confidence.  Assertive behaviour should aim to make it clear that the other person's contributions are valued. Remember that it is possible to value someone's contribution without necessarily agreeing with it. 

As well as being more assertive ourselves, assertiveness should also be encouraged in others so that they can communicate their ideas and emotions freely without feeling under pressure to say certain things.

Assertiveness can be encouraged by using well honed interpersonal skills such as listening, questioning, reflection and clarification.

Some ways to demonstrate that you value the other person's contribution:

·         Encourage contribution through open questioning, by asking opinions, and by drawing people into the discussion in group situations.

·         Listen closely to what someone has to say before continuing the conversation.

·         Show that you are interested in what someone has to say through appropriate questioning, reflecting, clarification and summarising skills. 

·         Show that you value the other person's contribution through the use of appropriate verbal and non-verbal communications such as nodding, smiling, good eye contact and encouraging language. 

·         Encourage people to be more open in voicing their feelings, wishes and ideas.

·         Not allow yourself to take responsibility for decisions that should be made jointly.

The more a person is able to contribute and feel that their contribution is valued, the more they will feel valued as an individual.  The experience of positive feedback will help to increase a person's self-confidence.  The whole chain of events should enable the person concerned to overcome any passive reactions and behave more assertively.

Dealing with Aggressive Behaviour

Handling aggressive behaviour in others is particularly difficult when it is accompanied by negative attitudes.  To avoid responding defensively or aggressively, self control is required. It should be noted that aggressive behaviour here refers to verbal and non-verbal messages and not to any form of physical violence. For dealing with potentially violent aggression.

Key strategies that can help to deal with aggressive behaviour:

·         Maintain self control.  Although anger can sometimes be a positive force, responding in a similarly angry manner will do little to discourage aggression.  If appropriate, be prepared to take time to think over issues before entering into discussion.  It might be helpful to say something like, “I need time to think about that” or “Can we talk about this tomorrow when we have more time?”. 

·         Remember that other people have a right to their emotions, including anger.  Try to understand why they are angry and aggressive.

·         Pausing, counting to ten, before responding to an outburst can help to avoid answering in an automatic, defensive or aggressive way.

·         Avoid argument and defensiveness and try to maintain calm.

·         Try to find areas of agreement with the other person, rather than focusing on the disagreements.

·         Find and demonstrate ways in which decisions and solutions can be shared, e.g. “How can we find a solution to this?”. 

·         Try to show some empathy with the other person, how do you feel when you are angry with others?  

Often it is difficult for a person behaving aggressively to calm down and see things from a broader point of view, since anger can be an expression of personal frustration. The application of the above techniques should help you to express yourself assertively, rather than aggressively. This should help to defuse the situation and result in more positive and effective communication.

Dealing with Demands

Dealing with unacceptable demands can be a daunting experience and having the courage to be assertive in such circumstances is not easy for some people.  It must always be acknowledged that everyone has the right not to fulfil a demand.

When faced with a demand, consideration should be given to the following:

·         Most people are strongly influenced by stereotypes, for example those of the efficient manager or the selfless mother.  Such generalisations can sometimes place unreasonable demands, expectations and unfair burdens upon those holding particular roles.  Everyone has the right not to accept the demands associated with such roles.

·         When rejecting a demand, it is important to explain that it is the demand that is being rejected and not the person.

·         People often feel that others have a right to their time and effort.  You have a right to say “no” without having to justify yourself.

·         Having rejected a demand, it is important to keep to that decision. If you crumble under pressure, others will learn you can be swayed, so be firm. You do of course have the right to change your mind if circumstances change.

·         In making demands, people often resort to passive or manipulative responses and may also assume a dependency upon the efforts of others.  Apart from certain exceptions, for example dependent children, everyone is responsible for themselves and undue reliance should not be placed upon others.

Dealing with Criticism

When receiving criticism:

·         Take time to decide whether it is genuine criticism or whether there is some other reason for it.

·         Acknowledge the criticism by repeating or reflecting it. You might respond “So you feel that I...”

·         Acknowledge any truthful elements of the criticism.

·         If the criticism includes an element of truth, try to avoid the common response of lashing back with counter criticism. Criticism with a hint of truth tends to be wounding, but it may be offered in the hope that it will be used constructively.

Giving Criticism

·         Criticism can be tempered or appear less brutal when it is given alongside support for the other person, in essence by ensuring it is a criticism of the action rather than the person.  Begin with a supportive comment such as “I appreciate all the work you've put in on this, but we have a problem with...”

·         Any sentence that begins 'You are' will cause offence and should be avoided at all cost, unless it ends with a compliment.

·         Keep any criticism specific and avoid generalities, for example “It was late when you picked  up the children today” rather than “You're always late.”  Generalised statements may not reflect the reality of a situation and have a tendency to imply that the individual is at fault when the problem may have been caused by other difficulties or unforeseen circumstances.

·         It is preferable to avoid blaming someone else for causing your emotions, for example “You make me so angry when...”  It is better to focus on yourself as the centre of your own emotions and, as an alternative to the statement above, you could say “I feel very angry when you...”

Giving and Receiving Compliments

·         Some people find the giving and receiving of compliments difficult or embarrassing.  Some find the need to either shrug them off or return them. Complimenting is a positive way of giving support, showing approval and increasing the other person's self-confidence.

·         If a compliment is rejected, the person giving it may feel embarrassed or discounted and might be less likely to pay a compliment in the future.

·         When giving a compliment, ensure it is genuine.

·         Positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement.

·         If a compliment is not appropriate then find a way to say thank you or offer some praise.