'Raise the child you have, not the one you want': New book advises parents to accept their kids instead of trying to change them to fit expectations
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A new book explores the tendency of some parents to try and influence their children's personalities, advising them instead to accept their kids for who they are.
In Raise the Child You've Got, Not the One You Want, author and parenting coach Nancy Rose explains that while it's normal for parents to fantasize about the kind of person their child will be, it's important to differentiate between that and the reality of who they truly are.
On the Today show on Thursday, the mother-of-one said: 'A parent needs to be a leader. But if a child doesn't like ballet, that's fine, why force your child to do something just because you like it?'
Acceptance: In Raise the Child You've Got, Not the One You Want, Nancy Rose (pictured with son Ethan) says that it's important to differentiate between your expectations for your child and the reality of who they are
Ms Rose, whose son Ethan is a Napa, California-based chef, added: 'But a family should have standards and rules - you know, our family, when we sign up for something we see it through.'
According to a description on Amazon.com, in her book the author helps parents discover the things they can and cannot change about their child.
Parenting: Ms Rose, whose son is a Napa, California-based chef, explained: ' 'A parent needs to be a leader. But if a child doesn't like ballet, that's fine, why force your child to do something just because you like it?'
It also helps them 'understand the power of acceptance in building a healthy parent/child connection, no matter how old your child is'.
Advice: The book helps parents 'understand the power of acceptance in building a healthy parent/child connection'
New York-based family psychologist Jennifer Hartstein joined Ms Rose on the show and confirmed her theories about how best to accept your children.
'We're born with a certain temperament,' she said. 'Personality develops out of that temperament but. . . sometimes that goodness of fit, you notice when there's some cracks in that as early as infancy.
'Because a really active child and a very passive mom or dad are going to have some of that struggle even as young as one and two.'
She added, however, that even if a parent doesn't approve of certain aspects of their child, it is important for them to accept them nonetheless.
'We kind of lump acceptance and approval into the same category and they're not,' she said.
In actual fact, 'I don't have to like what you're doing in order to accept what you're doing.'
She says that remembering this can help a parent accept their child for who they are, even if they defy their expectations.
'You might have an emotionally out-there kid who gets disregulated easily that you have to accept,' she explained.
'But you have to - through your own leadership - learn how to deal with that child in the way that works.'
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