Article by Sanya Jain,
Congratulations! The fact that you are reading this means that you have gathered the courage to come out of a bad relationship. That’s excellent news. It means that value yourself and you don’t want to continue to be in a relationship that is harming you. Now how do you go about breaking up? Read on:
10. Identify that the relationship is a bad one
The most important step towards getting out of a bad relationship is identifying the fact that you are in one. Many a times, people simply go into denial about the fact that their relationship is no good. At other times, they try to make it work knowing full well that their attempts are futile. Sometimes people in bad marriages stay on for the sake of their kids. So what constitutes a bad relationship? Well, the worst kind is when one partner is abusive towards the other. And by abusive, I don’t mean just physically abusive. Abuse can be verbal and emotional as well- threats, blackmails, foul language- all constitute verbal and emotional abuse. Secondly, it might be that the relationship is just not working out in spite of the fact that both the people in it tried their best. If this is the case, then it might just be better to call it quits instead of trying to repair the irreparable. Your partner could be cheating on you, is too controlling, excessively jealous. You have to decide when it is time to break things off. Either ways, the first step towards coming out of a bad relationship is identifying the signs and letting go of the denial.
9. Protect Yourself
This one is for people who found the strength to break away from an abusive relationship. If you fear harassment or abuse, take the necessary steps to protect yourself. Don’t go out without another person, avoid talking to your ex and even enlist help from the police if you think it appropriate. If your partner has resorted to violence earlier, there is a fair chance he might do it again. While breaking up with an abusive partner, it is best to pack up and leave quietly without informing him. If you don’t, chances are that you will be forced to stay on against your will.
8. Your partner should be the first one to know
It is only common courtesy. Do not tell your friends, co-workers or family before you tell your partner. If the word gets around to him or her that you are planning to break up, things could get disagreeable. If you do need to confide in someone before breaking up, make sure it is a trusted family member or friend, someone who will not gossip. Don’t let the whole world know it is going to happen before your partner gets to know. Even after the break up, be tactful. Don’t brag about it or go around telling the story to complete strangers. Respect the fact that you were in a relationship with someone even if it did not work out.
7. Don’t do it over the digital spectrum
If you are coming out of a long term relationship, your partner deserves that you at least do it in person. Actually, this applies even if the relationship wasn’t a very long one. Nobody deserves to get dumped over a text message. Give your partner a chance to voice his/her thoughts and concerns. I know it can be tempting to avoid face to face confrontations (they can get seriously ugly if you are not careful) and take the cowardly route out, but try to avoid doing that. Instead of changing your relationship status on facebook and hoping your partner would get the hint, try talking to him or her in real life. You owe it to your partner to provide a proper explanation. In today’s world where technology is interwoven in our daily life, breaking up with someone over a text or a phonecall or a whatsapp message or through facebook inbox is all too common. That doesn’t mean it is right. Even if your relationship was a bad one, you need to have the courage to say it in person. That way, you avoid hurting your partner more and it also lessens the chances of misunderstandings.
6. Explain
You owe your partner an explanation for the break up. When you are breaking up, give proper reasons as to why you are doing it. Explain honestly what prompted you to take this step, give reasoned arguments and do not beat around the bush. Above all, be truthful in your explanations. Don’t leave your partner feeling like crap at the end of the Big Talk (unless he was abusive towards you, in which case, please do). Don’t use clichéd lines like ‘We can always be friends’ or ‘I will call you’ if you don’t want to be friends after parting ways and you don’t intend to call him/her ever again. Make your stance completely clear and don’t give a muddled break up speech. Before having the talk, think rationally and plan out what you are going to say. When you decide to part ways, your partner deserves to know what lead to that decision, so give him or her that at least.
5- Stick to your stance
So you followed my advice and did not break up over a text, and now your partner is crying/ bawling/ pleading/ threatening/ emotionally blackmailing you. *sigh*. The key is to ‘screw your courage to the sticking place’ (as Lady Macbeth would have put it) and not be swayed by the tears or the hurtful words. I know it is easier said than done but trust me you, you will only be doing yourself a favour. If you have already identified your relationship as a bad one, there is no point in dragging it out further. No matter what you do, don’t get influenced by hollow promises of change or emotional blackmails. It is extremely extremely extremely important (I can not stress this enough) that you think hard before taking the decision to break up. And now that you have decided, don’t waver from your resolve. You will only end up giving your partner false hope and hurting both yourself and him or her in the process. Besides, if the relationship is a bad one, then you deserve better. So get out of it instead of drawing it out further.
4. Don’t let things get ugly
Sometimes when you are breaking up, things can get really ugly between the two of you. Okay fine. That happens most of the time. If your relationship was a bad one, especially if your partner was abusive or controlling towards you, things are bound to get a little ugly. He or she might not take the news that you have decided to move on very well. As far as is possible for you, try to keep things amicable. Nobody needs extra ugliness in their life. In order to make sure that your break up isn’t excessively messy, keep your break up speech short and to the point. Try to steer clear of past misdeeds and blame games, as those are the things that can make a break up truly horrible. Also, do not hit below the belt. That would be unfair. Don’t shout, don’t lie, don’t make excuses and don’t throw things at each other. Not so hard, is it? But seriously, if you and your partner part on good terms, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary ugliness in the future. Besides, nobody needs the emotional baggage of an unpleasant break up. So try your level best to not stir things up.
3. Support System
Taking the decision to break up was tough. Actually carrying it out was even tougher. Now what you need in your life is a good support system- old friends, family, people you trust. Break ups can be rough on one’s mental health and self esteem. It is essential that you have a good, supporting friend or family member to turn to whenever you are feeling low. In fact even before the break up, it is such a support system in your life which provides you with the strength to carry out your decision. It is definitely not easy to leave your partner, so ensure that you have people in your life who encourage and motivate you and support your decision. If your break up was a particularly ugly one, consider seeing a therapist. Admit the fact that it might be difficult to function well without supporting family and friends, and don not build walls around yourself and weep. If your well meaning friends try to distract you from your misery, allow them to do the same. Who knows? It might just be helpful.
2. Cut off all contact
It can only be too tempting to pick up the phone, dial your ex’s number, apologize and get back together because you feel lonely. Alternatively, it is only too easy to give in to your ex’s pleas of getting back together, again, because you feel lonely and worthless. Don’t give in to temptation, however. The first few weeks after a break up are the toughest. If you sway in your decision then, well, I don’t really know what will happen then. But I can bet won’t be particularly pleasant. Furthermore, your partner might coerce or try to force you back into the relationship. To avoid such a scenario, cut off all contact from him or her for a couple of months. If you think you can be easily swayed, put your partner’s number in the block list and don’t reply to text. It will help you get over the bad relationship quicker.
1. Move on
Now that the deed is done, the most important thing to do is to move on. Your self esteem might have taken a hit, but remember that you just found the courage to get out of a bad relationship and that you deserve much, much better. Don’t brood or wallow in self pity for too long, or you might be tempted to patch things up. Distract yourself, take up a new hobby, meet people, renew friendships. There is so much that you can do! Discover the person inside you that you stifled while in that bad relationship. While all this time we have been talking about how you owe it to your partner, now you owe it to yourself to let go and move on. The surest way to avoid being pulled back is to stop caring about your ex. It might take time, in fact, it Will take time. But try to help yourself in this process of moving on. Good Luck
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