LOVE - How to Love Somebody (Part 1 Love a Partner)

How to Love Somebody

Edited by Krystle C., Ben Rubenstein, Andrews, Andy Zhang and 38 others

Love is a complex and powerful emotion. It combines fondness, loyalty, and respect in a way that transcends the sum of those parts. Love is something that usually just “happens,” but that doesn't mean everyone who loves somebody knows how to love them well. Read the steps below to learn the best way to love, no matter who it is you love.

Part 1 of 3: Love a Partner

1. 
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   Don't force love. Romantic love is thrilling, overwhelming, and unmistakable. It's like a rising tide: it builds up and up until one day it spills over, and there's no forcing it to appear when it isn't around. You can't make yourself love someone. (You can learn to love someone, but that's more a matter of time and getting to know the other person.) If you're reading this guide because you're in a relationship but don't feel any love for your partner, there's not really any way to simply will that to change. If you're very invested, consider visiting a couples counselor together; otherwise, it's probably time to break up.
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   Give it time. Romantic love is kind of like a plant: the seed can sprout quickly, but it'll take time to come into its own. That doesn't mean you can't fall in love with someone quickly, but to extend the analogy, think of fast love and infatuation as the excitement you feel when you see the first shoots of a seedling coming up through the soil. As you get used to the idea of love being there, that initial thrill won't last. That's fine: it's the fully-developed relationship that bears the real fruit. Creating a lasting bond of love requires care and upkeep, but the payoff is worth it.
   • Don't wait around for something to happen. Even though lasting love takes time to develop, a lot more than time goes into a successful relationship. Some people spend years tethered to someone they don't love anymore, and others love truly with every new partner, but never find someone to settle down with. Strike a happy balance by making your relationship an active and ongoing project. Intend to make it last, and intend to make it great.
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   Love the whole person. Of course, this doesn't mean treating your lover as though he or she can do no wrong. Rather, it means that in addition to focusing on what you love about your partner, you must acknowledge things you don't like and decide to love him or her anyway. When you love someone completely, it's easy to quickly forgive and forget arguments. You may even find that some of your lover's faults start to become endearing, in time.
   • Obviously, some people have flaws or differences you won't be able to forgive or accept. These people aren't the people you should be trying to develop a lifelong love for. It's okay (and important) to draw the line at things that are personally important to you. Remember, you're a partner, not a servant. Your wants and needs count just as much as your lover's. Just don't go looking for somebody who's perfect, or you'll never find true love.
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   Communicate. Lasting love is the result of good communication. This doesn't always boil down to talking a lot. Communication between couples is about learning to understand each other and respect each others' boundaries, whether they're physical, intellectual, emotional, or spiritual. Do your best to see through your partner's eyes and understand where they're coming from so that you can communicate what you need to say in a way they'll understand.
   • Learn from your communication mistakes. If you say something you think is innocuous, but your partner gets upset by it, don't argue about how they responded. Instead, explain what you meant and try to avoid saying it in an upsetting way in the future.
   • Face important issues head-on. Not every person is comfortable with addressing problems, especially to someone they love. However, a straightforward approach is the best and surest way to get past those problems and stop worrying. Keep your cool, and always speak from a place of love and respect for your partner. Criticizing or attacking your lover isn't the same thing as trying to find a resolution to a relationship problem.
   • Accept differences that don't impact the relationship. If you're bothered by your partner's opinion on something relatively inconsequential, such as a favorite band or a food your partner refuses to eat, let it go. It doesn't make any difference to the way you really feel about him or her. There's no reason to make an argument about it.
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   Make your love known. Few things prove you love somebody more clearly than letting it show. Don't be shy or embarrassed to say sweet, complimentary, or romantic things to your partner. Don't hide him or her from your family or friends, or the world at large. Shout it from the mountaintops! Think of little things you can do to show your lover you care: a romantic note slipped into a purse or wallet before work, a phone call just to say “I love you,” a surprise date after class... anything that springs to mind naturally, no matter how silly it might seem.
   • You don't have to spend money to demonstrate love to your partner. It's nice to buy things or pick up the tab once in a while, but if you genuinely love your partner, it'll show through in the thought you put into your gestures, not their price tags.
   • Keep your statements simple, honest, and bright. Don't make overblown pronouncements, even if you feel totally swept away. Telling someone you'd probably die without them (or anything of that caliber) is only going to cause problems down the line, as is talking to your partner as though he or she is your personal savior.
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   Be good to your partner. You should be reliable and trustworthy. If you promise to do something (or not do something), keep that promise. You should also support your partner unconditionally. It's fine to play devil's advocate, but at the end of the day, you should still be on your significant other's side 100%. Your partner should know intrinsically that he or she can rely on you no matter what.
   • If you wouldn't do something in front of your lover, don't do it at all (unless you were thinking of something silly, like “pooping”). Being trustworthy means having nothing to hide.
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   Be close. Romantic love is about intimacy and connectedness as much as anything else. Share your thoughts, hopes, and dreams; be close to the person you love. If he or she mocks you or makes you feel dumb about them, don't stay in the relationship. Find someone who will accept your offer of closeness. You shouldn't need your lover around all the time, but you should definitely want him or her around almost all the time.
   • Intimacy extends to physical intimacy too, for most couples. In addition to sexual contact, don't neglect cuddling, hugs, kisses, and the simple act of a warm touch on the shoulder or hip. You shouldn't feel as though you “have to put out” to make the relationship work, but you shouldn't shy away from being physically close, either. It should happen because you both want it to happen. If you never or rarely want to be physically intimate with your lover, there's something wrong with the relationship.
     • It's reasonable to expect the same level of intimacy from your partner, as well. You shouldn't always be the person initiating intimate contact.
   • Lean on your partner, not because you couldn't make it without him or her, but because you're there to help each other out. It'll make your partner feel important and wanted, and it'll make your life easier and happier. As always, be sure to reciprocate and let your partner lean on you whenever he or she wants to.