AMAZING - Being a Powerful Woman

Being a Powerful Woman

How an aggro woman on a bike schooled a roller derby skater on the dynamics of power.

By Bonnie D.

I got a quick reminder about the dynamics of power the other day. I was nearly at the coffee shop when it happened at a four way stop sign. 

I was one car back from the stop sign, in front of me a minivan. At another corner was a heavily tattooed woman in a power stance, over her beach cruiser bicycle. It was technically the minivan’s turn to go, but the driver was yielding to the woman on the bike, as San Diegans frequently do. She refused the courtesy, waved at the minivan driver. He didn’t seem to register the refusal. So he waited. She continued to wave her arms at him, and eventually shouted out, “Fucking go,” at which point the minivan did, fucking go, and then she huffed off angrily after.

My first reaction to the whole thing was, “Wow, what an ungracious, inappropriate cunt!” And then my second was “Is that the type of person people expect when they see me?”

You see, I am also a heavily tattooed woman, prone to beach cruiser rides and power stances. But the difference between me and my visually comparable counterpart might be an understanding of the dynamics of power, which would be partially due to my 10 years of time spent in and around the sport of roller derby. 

This gave me a different opportunity, perhaps. Testing my physical prowess while holding various positions of leadership (and being generally surrounded by alpha women the whole time) has given me the chance to learn what it means to be a woman pinging at a higher frequency of strength than most would be comfortable with. Or around. This bicycle incident seemed to explain why I’ve been asked on exactly 0 dates as a single woman of well over a year.Many (of either gender) seem to equate female power with cuntiness. Especially if you’re tattooed and clearly physically strong. A man would have to do a serious gut check before approaching, I suppose.

My interest in power began before finding roller derby. The concept was first brought to my attention when I learned my numerological value (the sum total of your birthdate numbers, used like astrology) was represented by the number 8, which stands for Abundance and Power, according to Dan Millman's book called The Life You Were Born To Live. It’s safe to say I was at the cunty level of understanding of the word "power" at the time, but I was willing to learn.

So, into my life came books like Power vs Force by David R Hawkins. And that’s when I learned that real power, unlike force, is based in love and expansion. Just like all the hippies say. The most powerful people understand this, and would know not to try to force, dominate or control anyone else, because that’s inherently weak and insecure behavior.

Something, apparently, no one ever taught the angry woman on the beach cruiser. If Derek Sievers, who said, “How you do anything is how you do everything” is correct… Then this woman probably lacks graciousness, self-control and respect for others in other areas of life, too.

As a generally happy alpha, I forget sometimes that most women have no understanding at all of their power. And that most men are bewildered by a woman who does. After all, it’s not exactly taught in schools. I was still digesting the experience as I parked my car, made my way into Starbucks and had no less than 3 genuinely pleasant interactions with “strangers,” before exiting the shop and going about my day.

I’m learning to stop asking myself questions like why does our culture equate strength with being mean? And why is it considered “cool” to be a cynic and/or asshole? Because just thinking about “whys” like that makes me feel weak. Instead, I choose to be the change. It’s not my tattoos that make me powerful.It’s the real and genuine comfort in my own skin, and the authentic desire to see everyone else being comfortable around me, and with themselves, as well.

This is what I’ve learned about being a powerful woman, from roller derby and from life. The weakest varieties involve my selfish wants and expressions, and the most awesome feelings come from a shared experience that make both parties feel great. It’s this power-of-awesome that I’d love to see our culture learn how to recognize and embrace as not only attainable and approachable, but everything we’d love to be. To enjoy our own company and eachother's at the same time. That's real power.