“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
―Abraham Lincoln
BY: MARC CHERNOFF
Everyone
experiences an unhappy mood on occasion, but there is a big difference between
experiencing a temporary bout of unhappiness and living a habitually unhappy
life. That’s what chronically unhappy people do. And although many
of these people are afraid to admit it, a vast majority of their unhappiness
stems from their own beliefs and behaviors.
Over
the years, Angel and I have helped thousands of unhappy people rediscover their
smiles, and, in the process, we’ve learned a lot about the negative beliefs and
behaviors that typically hold them back. Even if you are generally a
happy person, take a look at the list below. Many of the unhappy people
we’ve worked with initially refused to admit that they carried these beliefs
and behaviors, even when the evidence stacked against them was
undeniable. See if any of these points are keeping you from experiencing
greater amounts of joy.
1. They struggle with self-respect.
Decide
this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that
you should be showing yourself. Be your own best friend. Trust your
inner spirit and follow your instincts. Accept who you are completely,
the good and the bad, and make changes in your life as YOU see fit – not
because you think anyone else wants you to be different, but because you know
it’s the right thing to do, for YOU.
Be the person you will be happy to live
with for the duration of your life. Don’t rely on your significant other,
or anyone else, for your happiness and self-worth. Know that our first
and last love is always self-love, and that if you can’t love and respect
yourself, no one else will be able to either.
2. They are self-conscious about what others think of
them.
The
minute you stop overwhelming your mind with caring about what everyone else
thinks, and start doing what you feel in your heart is right, is the minute you
will finally feel freedom and peace of mind. In fact, you can end half
your troubles immediately by no longer permitting people to tell you what you
want.
You have to put your life in your own
hands. Others may be able hold your happiness hostage temporarily, but
only you can do it permanently. (Angel and I discuss this in more
detail in the “Self-Love” and “Happiness” chapters of 1,000 Little
Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. They are holding on to old grudges.
You
will never find peace until you learn to finally let go of the hatred and hurt
that lives in your heart. Life is far too short to be spent in nursing
bitterness and registering wrongs. Grudges are for those who insist that
they are owed something; forgiveness, on the other hand, is for those who are
confident enough to stand on their own two legs and move on.
In order to move on, you must know why
you felt the way you did, and why you no longer need to feel that
way. It’s about accepting the past, letting it be, and pushing
your spirit forward with good intentions. Nothing empowers your ability
to heal and grow as much as your love and forgiveness.
4. The routines they follow imprison them.
Remember
that the way you’ve always done it isn’t the only way. It’s unlikely that
one of the things you’ll regret when you’re 70 is not having consumed enough
beer in your 20s, or not having bought enough $6 lattes from Starbucks, or not
having frequented the same night club for years. But the regret of
missing out on opportunities is a real, toxic feeling.
The bottom line is that you’ve figured
out drinking and going out. You’ve had enough lattes. It’s time to
figure something else out. Every corner you turn or street you walk down
has a new experience waiting for you. You just have to see the
opportunity and be adventurous enough to run with it. (Read Eat, Pray, Love
.)
.)
5. There’s a lot they can’t control (even though they
try).
Life
is often unpredictable. Some of the great moments in your life won’t
necessarily be the things you do; they’ll be things that happen to you.
That doesn’t mean you can’t take action to affect the outcome of your
life. You have to take action, and you will. But don’t forget that
on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change in
an instant – for better or worse.
To
an extent, the universe has a plan that’s always in motion. A butterfly
flaps its wings and it starts to rain – it’s a scary thought, but it’s part of
life’s cycle. All these little parts of the machine, constantly working –
sometimes forcing you to struggle, and sometimes making sure you end up exactly
in the right place at the right time.
6. They let their fears numb them from life’s
goodness.
“Numbing”
is any activity that you use to desensitize your feelings so that you don’t
experience vulnerability or hurt. But by numbing yourself to
vulnerability, you also numb yourself to love, belonging, empathy, creativity,
adventure and all of life’s goodness.
Remember, every worthwhile venture in
life – intimate love, friendship, a new business, etc. – is scary. These
things are inherently risky. They are unsafe. These things aren’t
for the faint of heart. They take courage. And most importantly,
they can’t coexist with fear. When you open up to life’s greatest
opportunities and joys it means you’re also giving life the opportunity to
break your heart, but trusting that it won’t… that the risk is well worth the reward.
7. They are addicted to avoiding themselves in the
present moment.
This
is something we all struggle with sometimes. It’s also the root cause of
nearly all of our unhappiness.
One
of the hardest challenges we face in life is to simply live in our own skin –
to just be right here, right now, regardless of where we are. Too often
we needlessly distract ourselves with anything and everything: food, booze,
shopping, television, tabloid news, online social networks, video games, cell
phones, iPods, etc. – basically anything to keep us from being fully present in
the current moment.
We
use compulsive work, compulsive exercise, compulsive love affairs, and the
like, to escape from ourselves and the realities of living. In fact, many
of us will go to great lengths to avoid the feeling of being alone in an
undistracted environment. So we succumb to hanging-out with just about
anybody to avoid the feeling of solitude. For being alone means dealing
with our true feelings: fear, anxiety, happiness, anger, joy, resentment,
disappointment, anticipation, sadness, excitement, despair, and so on and so
forth.
And it doesn’t really matter if our
feelings are positive or negative – they are overwhelming and exhausting, and
so we prefer to numb ourselves to them. The bottom line is that we are
all addicted to avoiding ourselves. Acknowledging this addiction is the
first step to healing it. So begin today by just noticing with curiosity,
and without judgment, all of the ways in which you avoid being in your own
skin, right here, right now, in this present moment we call life. (Read The Power of Now.)
.)
8. The grass isn’t greener anywhere else.
If
you feel anxious because you constantly feel like you’re missing out on
something happening somewhere else, you’re not alone. We all feel this
way sometimes – like the grass is greener somewhere else at this very
moment. But let me assure you, you could run around trying to do
everything, and travel around the world, and always stay connected, and work
and party all night long without sleep, but you could never do it all.
You will always be missing something, and thus it will always seem like something
wonderful might be happening elsewhere.
So
let it go, and realize you have everything right now. The best in life
isn’t somewhere else; it’s right where you are, at this moment. Celebrate
the perhaps not so insignificant fact that you are alive right now. This
moment, and who you are, is absolutely perfect. Take a deep breath,
smile, and notice the green grass under your own two feet.
Afterthoughts
Let
me tell you a secret I’ve learned about happiness. Nobody is happy all of
the time. It’s perfectly normal to experience considerable fluctuations
in your level of happiness from day to day, month to month, and even year to
year. In fact, according to a recent scientific study, overall levels of
happiness decline from one’s teens until one’s 40s and then pick up again until
they peak in one’s early 70s. So the chances are that your happiest days
are yet to come. Hopefully that gives you something to smile about today.
Your turn…
What
would you add to the list? What behaviors and beliefs often stand between
you and happiness? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts
with the community.
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