Pushy parents 'are chasing lost dreams' trying to make their children succeed
- - Parents who push their children are living vicariously through them
- - The more parents see themselves in a child, the more they push them
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Dream on: Pushy parents are trying to make up for their own mistakes and failed dreams
It is what many children forced to endure endless tennis, piano and violin lessons have long suspected.
Pushy parents who go to great lengths to make their children succeed are attempting to make up for their own failed dreams, researchers have confirmed.
But not all parents use their children to help them to resolve their own feelings of ‘regret and disappointment’.
The key factor, the researchers found, was that the more a mother or father saw of themselves in their child, the more likely they were to want them to live their own unrequited ambitions.
‘Some parents see their children as extensions of themselves, rather than as separate people with their own hopes and dreams,’ said co-author Brad Bushman, a professor of psychology at Ohio State University.
‘These parents may be most likely to want their children to achieve the dreams that they themselves have not achieved.’
The findings may go some way to explaining the actions of pushy parents who urge their often unwilling children to follow a dream and ‘provide novel insight into the joys of parenthood’.
The research concluded: ‘Parents may derive pleasure and meaning from parenthood by vicariously resolving their unfulfilled ambitions through their children.
'Basking in children’s reflected glory, parents’ feelings of regret and disappointment about their own lost opportunities may gradually resolve, and make way for pride and fulfilment.’
The theory could hold some truth for Andy Murray, whose tennis career has eclipsed that of his mother Judy's.
After coaching him during the early stages of his career, Judy, herself a former professional tennis player, is still often caught by cameras vocally egging her son on and celebrating his victories from the sidelines.
The study, published in the journal Public Library of Science ONE, was carried out at Utrecht University in the Netherlands.
Looking at eight dads and 65 mums who had children aged between eight and 15-years-old, the researchers asked them to complete a test to measure how much they saw their child as a part of themselves.
In the DNA: The more a parent see themselves mirrored in their child, the more they will push their own dreams on them
The participants were then split into two groups. In the first, the parents were ask to list two of their own unrequited ambitions, which included writing a novel, starting a successful business and becoming a professional tennis player.
The remaining parents were simply asked to reflect on an acquaintance’s unfulfilled dreams.
Each group was then asked about their hopes for their children.
Unsurprisingly, parents who reflected on their own lost dreams were more likely to want their children to fulfill them - but only if they felt strongly that their child was a part of themselves.
In contrast, parents who had thought about an acquaintance’s failed ambitions did not want their offspring to follow this path.
Those who felt most strongly that their child was a part of themselves, were much more likely to want their son or daughter to live their dreams.
Professor Bushman said the findings strongly suggested that parents who associate most closely with their children are the ones who transfer their dreams onto their offspring.
‘Parents then may bask in the reflected glory of their children, and lose some of the feelings of regret and disappointment that they couldn’t achieve these same goals,’ he said.
‘They might be living vicariously through their children.’ The researchers also warned of ‘potential downsides’ of this parenting approach, including children struggling to establish their own autonomy.
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