WHAT YOU DO, YOU GET BACK - ‘Baffled’ by Malaysians’ poor English? Look in the mirror, Muhyiddin told

‘Baffled’ by Malaysians’ poor English? Look in the mirror, Muhyiddin told

The Malay Mail Online – 1 hour 8 minutes ago

Two parents group cited Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin’s abolition of PPSMI as the major reason for the weakness he noted. — Picture by Saw Siow Feng

KUALA LUMPUR, Dec 10 — Parents groups have reminded Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin of his role in ending the Policy of Teaching Science and Mathematics in English (PPSMI), after the deputy prime minister remark that he is “baffled” by continued poor standards of English in the country.

Pointing to the controversial reversal in 2009, barely half a decade after it was introduced by the Mahathir administration, two parents group cited Muhyiddin’s abolition of PPSMI as the major reason for the weakness he noted.

“Why is Muhyiddin puzzled when he was among those who were instrumental in forcing the policy to be discontinued?” said Concerned Parents of Selangor (CPS) coordinator Shamsuddin Hamid.

Although acknowledging that Malaysians’ grasp of English began declining after the medium of instruction in schools were changed to Bahasa Melayu over three decades ago, Shamsuddin said the downward trend was exacerbated by Putrajaya’s shaky stand on the matter.

“Muhyiddin must know that teaching the English language on an isolated basis within limited hours compounded with unsound pedagogy and curriculum will surely takes its toll on the students,” Shamsuddin told Malay Mail Online.

“There is no room for the children to practice the language apart from the English language lessons. Just like any other languages, English needs to be practiced by way of immersion and there was some improvement when PPSMI was introduced,” he asserted.

Most English-medium primary schools in the country switched the medium of instruction to the Malay language by 1975, and in secondary schools by 1983.

However, in a bid to strengthen the teaching and learning of English, former prime minister Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad introduced PPSMI in 2003, but the administration under Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak reversed the policy in 2009 and reverted to using Bahasa Malaysia as the medium of instruction.

Critics of the reversal contend that it was made to appease Malay nationalists and conservative groups who viewed a weak grasp of Bahasa Melayu and a mastery of English to be indicative of disloyalty to the country.

Yesterday, Muhyiddin expressed bafflement over the poor command of English among Malaysian graduates despite having learnt the language close to two decades.

Stating that “something is not right” Muhyiddin, who is also education minister, added that lack of proficiency in the English language could be due to a myriad of causes, including teachers and students — who are uninterested in the subject — as well as the use of Bahasa Malaysia as the sole medium of instruction in all subjects taught in schools. 

Source: https://my.news.yahoo.com/baffled-malaysians-poor-english-look-mirror-muhyiddin-told-020700458.html

THE WORLD MUST KNOW - One Simple Question to David Blunkett

Qatar, Kuwait and Saudi Arabia must take action 

against citizens who are funding Islamic State 

says former Home Secretary David Blunkett 

Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk 16/11/2014

+2

'Oiling the wheels of terror': Former home secretary David Blunkett has 

accused the Gulf kingdoms of not doing enough to stop terrorist funding

Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk 16/11/2014

Why David Blunkett don't tell Israel to "Stop Killing" 

innocent children, women and the people of Palestine???

PEOPLE - Gratitude is good for the body, mind and soul

Gratitude, or thankfulness, seems to be a lost art today.  

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others,” wrote Roman philosopher Cicero. “Nothing is more honourable than a grateful heart,” Roman senator Seneca was quoted as saying.

Most religions encourage gratitude. In Buddhism for example, gratitude is said to be a hallmark of humanity. 

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude”, wrote Elie Wiesel.

In fact, the spiritual practice of gratitude has been called “a state of mind” and “a way of life”. Showing gratitude, however, is more than just a spiritual practice. Gratitude is a feeling that nurtures the soul.

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom”, wrote Marcel Proust, the greatest French novelist of the 20th century.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” — Melody Beattie, American author of self-help and recovery books

Why it’s important 

Gratitude is important for one’s well-being, said Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, who has studied and documented the thoughts of philosophers, theologians, and writers on the age-old process of giving thanks.

If you are grateful for all positive things that you see around yourself, you will undoubtedly have a fulfiling and happy day. In fact, it is written that gratitude is the best medicine for depression, self-pity and fear.

Gratitude is actually a form of love. When we feel gratitude for another, we begin to harmonise with that person and the bond within that relationship becomes stronger.

In To Give Is to Receive, Roger Walsh, M.D. Ph.D. wrote, “Gratitude bestows many benefits. It dissolves negative feelings: anger and jealousy melt in its embrace, fear and defensiveness shrink.

“Gratitude deflates the barriers to love. While forgiveness heals the heart of old hurts, gratitude opens it to present love.”  

“Gratitude helps you grow and expand; gratitude brings joy and laughter into your life and into the lives of those around you”, wrote Eileen Caddy.

The Hausa of Nigeria believe that if you give thanks for a little, you will find a lot. Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life.

“A grateful mind is a great mind which eventually attracts to itself great things.” — Plato, famous Greek philosopher

What is gratitude?

To be grateful, in the true sense of the word, is to be modest. In Hebrew, the word for gratitude, hoda’ah, is the same as the word for confession. To be grateful, or to offer thanks, is to confess dependence, to acknowledge that others have the power to benefit you, to admit that your life is better because of their efforts.

“Gratitude is a virtue that helps us remember the obligations and responsibilities we owe others in return for the gifts we have received,” says William J. Bennett, former US Secretary of Education.

“Gratitude is the memory of the heart”, goes a saying.

Benedictine monk David Steindl-Rast shares, “Gratitude is more than a feeling, a virtue, or an experience; gratitude emerges as an attitude we can freely choose in order to create a better life for ourselves and for others.”

“Gratitude is something of which none of us can give too much. For on the smiles, the thanks we give, our little gestures of appreciation, our neighbours build their philosophy of life.” — A.J. Cronin, Scottish novelist

Live, not just show, gratitude 

Expressing our gratitude to someone directly is a wonderful way to give back. People love to hear that what they did was appreciated.

But as you express your gratitude, don’t forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

Well-known professor of art history and respected theologian Johannes A. Gaertner said, “To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch heaven.”

Many people today complain that they are not tall, slim, handsome or pretty enough, their job stinks, the weather is foul, their family demands are a chore ... they wish they were richer, fairer, handsomer, luckier ... 

Often instead of rejoicing in what we have, we yearn for something more, better, or different. We can’t be grateful because we are making comparisons with others. As a result, we become unhappy.

99% of the time we have an opportunity to be grateful for something. We just don’t notice it. We go through our days in a daze.

Cultivating gratitude begins with cultivating thankfulness for your lot in life — ie living it in your daily life. Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude.  Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness.  While gratitude is shown in acts, thankfulness consists of words. 

“Gratitude expresses itself in a sincere thank you ... not for the gifts of this day only, but for the day itself; not for what we believe will be ours in the future, but for the bounty of the past,” says novelist Faith Baldwin.

“There is calmness to a life lived in gratitude, a quiet joy” — Ralph H. Blum, American author

See the rainbow in adversities 

While it is easy to be thankful for the good things, a life of rich fulfilment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Life’s difficulties are something we can actually be thankful for because gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. “Find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessings”, goes a saying.

We should thus be thankful even if we have problems. If you are going through a tough time, you can be grateful for the lessons you are learning, the strength you are gaining and the compassion you find for others going through a rough spell.

Difficult times and difficult people can be our best teachers. When we are open, they teach us to find peace and harmony within, they build our strength and compassion.

When things get really tough, if we want to keep our mental health intact, they can even force us to live in the present moment.

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” — Charles Dickens, famous author of classical English literature

Count your blessings

Being grateful means taking nothing for granted. Our life, health, friends, society, our job, the food we eat, and our very body with its fingers, muscles, senses and internal organs are gifts which we often take for granted.

In How To Want What You Have, Timothy Miller wrote, “Gratitude is the intention to count your blessings every day, every minute, while avoiding, whenever possible, the belief that you need or deserve different circumstances.”

Stoic philosopher of the 1st century Epictetus said, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.”

“They are not poor that have little, but they that desire much. The richest man, whatever his lot, is the one who’s content with his lot”, goes a Dutch proverb.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy — like your life, or your family.

The wise man who penned, “I once cried when I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet” knew the wisdom of this.

“To know you have enough is to be rich”, taught Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher and founder of Taoism, in Tao Te Ching.

Shakespeare agrees.  “Poor and content is rich and rich enough.”

 

“Thank God — every morning when you get up — that you have something to do which must be done, whether you like it or not. Being forced to work, and forced to do your best, will breed in you a hundred virtues which the idle never know.” — Charles Kingsley, Church of England parson

Source: http://consumer.org.my/

PEOPLE - Attitudes and Behavior: SimplyPsychology

by Saul McLeod  published 2009, updated 2014

An attitude is "a relatively enduring organization of beliefs, feelings, and behavioral tendencies towards socially significant objects, groups, events or symbols" (Hogg, & Vaughan 2005, p. 150)

"..a psychological tendency that is expressed by evaluating a particular entity with some degree of favor or disfavor" (Eagly, & Chaiken, 1993, p. 1)

Structure of Attitudes

Attitudes structure can be described in terms of three components.

• Affective component: this involves a person’s feelings / emotions about the attitude object. For example: “I am scared of spiders”.
• Behavioral (or conative) component: the way the attitude we have influences how we act or behave. For example: “I will avoid spiders and scream if I see one”.
• Cognitive component: this involves a person’s belief / knowledge about an attitude object. For example: “I believe spiders are dangerous”.

This model is known as the ABC model of attitudes.

One of the underlying assumptions about the link between attitudes and behavior is that of consistency. This means that we often or usually expect the behavior of a person to be consistent with the attitudes that they hold. This is called the principle of consistency.

The principle of consistency reflects the idea that people are rational and attempt to behave rationally at all times and that a person’s behavior should be consistent with their attitude(s). Whilst this principle may be a sound one, it is clear that people do not always follow it, sometimes behaving in seemingly quite illogical ways; for example, smoking cigarettes and knowing that smoking causes lung cancer and heart disease.

There is evidence that the cognitive and affective components of behavior do not always match with behavior. This is shown in a study by LaPiere (1934).

Key Study: LaPiere (1934)

Aim

To investigate the relationship between attitudes and behavior.

Method

LaPiere travelled round America with a Chinese couple, expecting to meet discrimination as a result of anti Chinese feeling. At the time prejudice against Asians was widespread and there were no laws against racial discrimination. They visited 67 hotels and 184 restaurants. Six months later, after their return, all the establishments they had visited were sent a letter, asking whether they would accept Chinese guests.

Results

They were only refused at one of the establishments they visited, and were generally treated very politely. Of the 128 establishments which responded to the letter, 91% said they were not willing to accept Chinese guests.

Conclusion

Attitudes do not always predict behavior. Cognitive and affective components of attitudes are not necessarily expressed in behavior.

The LaPiere's study shows that the cognitive and affective components of attitudes (e.g. disliking Chinese people) do not necessarily coincide with behavior (e.g. serving them).

Attitude Strength

The strength with which an attitude is held is often a good predictor of behavior. The stronger the attitude the more likely it should affect behavior. Attitude strength involves:

Importance / personal relevance refers to how significant the attitude is for the person and relates to self-interest, social identification and value. If an attitude has high self-interest for a person (i.e. it is held by a group the person is a member of or would like to be a member of, and is related to a person's values), it is going to be extremely important.

As a consequence, the attitude will have a very strong influence upon a person's behavior. By contrast, an attitude will not be important to a person if it does not relate in some way to their life.

The knowledge aspect of attitude strength covers how much a person knows about the attitude object. People are generally more knowledgeable about topics that interest them and are likely to hold strong attitudes (positive or negative) as a consequence.

Attitudes based on direct experience are more strongly held and influence behavior more than attitudes formed indirectly (for example, through hear-say, reading or watching television).

The Function of Attitudes

Attitudes can serve functions for the individual.  Daniel Katz (1960) outlinesfour functional areas: 

• Knowledge. Attitudes provide meaning (knowledge) for life.  The knowledge function refers to our need for a world which is consistent and relatively stable.  This allows us to predict what is likely to happen, and so gives us a sense of control. Attitudes can help us organize and structure our experience.  Knowing a person’s attitude helps us predict their behavior. For example, knowing that a person is religious we can predict they will go to Church.

• Self / Ego-expressive. The attitudes we express (1) help communicatewho we are and (2) may make us feel good because we have asserted our identity.  Self-expression of attitudes can be non-verbal too: think bumper sticker, cap, or T-shirt slogan.  Therefore, our attitudes are part of our identify, and help us to be aware through expression of our feelings, beliefs and values. 

• Adaptive.  If a person holds and/or expresses socially acceptable attitudes, other people will reward them with approval and social acceptance.  For example, when people flatter their bosses or instructors (and believe it) or keep silent if they think an attitude is unpopular.  Again, expression can be nonverbal [think politician kissing baby].  Attitudes then, are to do with being apart of a social group and the adaptive functions helps us fit in with a social group. People seek out others who share their attitudes, and develop similar attitudes to those they like.

• The ego-defensive function refers to holding attitudes that protect our self-esteem or that justify actions that make us feel guilty.  For example, one way children might defend themselves against the feelings of humiliation they have experienced in P.E. lessons is to adopt a strongly negative attitude to all sport.

People whose pride has suffered following a defeat in sport might similarly adopt a defensive attitude: “I’m not bothered, I’m sick of rugby anyway…”.  This function has psychiatric overtones.  Positive attitudes towards ourselves, for example, have a protective function (i.e. an ego-defensive role) in helping us reserve our self-image.

The basic idea behind the functional approach is that attitudes help a person to mediate between their own inner needs (expression, defense) and the outside world (adaptive and knowledge).

Functions of Attitudes Example

Imagine you are very patriotic about being British.  This might cause you to have an ethnocentric attitude towards everything not British.  Imagine further that you are with a group of like-minded friends. You say:

“Of course there’s no other country as good as Britain to live in.  Other places are alright in their own way but they can’t compare with your mother county.”

(There are nods of approval all round. You are fitting in - adaptive).  The people in the group are wearing England football shirts (This is the self-expression function).

Then imagine you go on to say:

“The trouble with foreigners is that they don’t speak English.  I went to France last year and they were ignorant. Even if they could speak our language they wouldn’t do so.  I call that unfriendly.

(Others agree with you and tell you of their similar experiences.  You are making sense of things. This is the knowledge function).  Then someone who has never travelled takes things a stage further…

“I don’t mind foreigners coming here on holiday…but they shouldn’t be allowed to live here….taking our jobs and living off social security. Britain for the British is what I say….why is it getting so you can’t get a decent job in your own country.”

(Now the others in the room join in scapegoating foreigners and demonstrating the ego defensive function of attitudes).

References

Eagly, A. H., & Chaiken, S. (1993). The psychology of attitudes. Harcourt Brace Jovanovich College Publishers.

Hogg, M., & Vaughan, G. (2005). Social Psychology (4th edition). London: Prentice-Hall.

Katz, D. (1960).  Public opinion quarterly, 24, 163 - 204.

LaPiere, R. T. (1934). Attitudes vs. Actions. Social Forces, 13, 230-237.

How to cite this article:

McLeod, S. A. (2009). Attitudes and Behavior. Retrieved from http://www.simplypsychology.org/attitudes.html

Source: http://www.simplypsychology.org/attitudes.html

PARENTING - Changing Your Child's Attitude

WebMD Live Events Transcript

Does your child have attitude? You know what we mean -- rude, selfish, insensitive, irresponsible, jealous, judgmental, lazy -- the list goes on! Had enough? Parenting expert Michele Borba, EdD, author of Don't Give Me That Attitude!, joined us on June 10, 2004, to offer practical advice on how you can help your child get an attitude adjustment.

The opinions expressed herein are the guests' alone and have not been reviewed by a WebMD physician. If you have questions about your health, you should consult your personal physician. This event is meant for informational purposes only.

MODERATOR:
Welcome to WebMD Live, Dr. Borba. What's up with kids and attitude? Where are they getting this?

BORBA:
Attitudes are learned, and we're not talking personality temperament. We are talking about changing your child from being disrespectful to respectful, or from demanding to considerate. Also, from bad temper to more peaceful.

First, it could be from a toxic world, copying from friends, and the media is pretty raunchy these days and they're watching it. Parental guilt; we hate to say no to our kids, especially after we've worked all day long. Or keeping up with the neighbor next door; we always want our kids to have what they have. Bottom line is that there's no one reason where they are coming from. But you can turn those bad attitudes around.

MODERATOR:
Where do you start?

BORBA:
The first step is to figure out which attitude you want to change. The first mistake is being too generic and saying, "He's got an attitude." But what is he specifically doing that needs tuning up? The more specific you are, the better chance of having him turn it around. Pretend you are videoing your child the last couple of times he gave you the attitude. Write down what you heard him say or saw him do that bothered you. Now put a name to it, and that's the attitude that you want to stop.

Second step, you need a plan. You need a good plan to turn it around. Because what you are currently doing isn't working. You need a new response. Don't Give Me That Attitude will give you 24 specific makeover plans.

The third thing is you need to commit to that plan for at least three weeks.

MODERATOR:
Why three weeks?

BORBA:
Because an attitude is a habit. It's not like a behavior that's a quick time-out. These attitudes are your child's operating premise for life. So new attitudes or habits we know usually take around three weeks. The reason most of our kid attitudes don't go away is that we don't use the plan long enough. If you want a hint on this one, check out your New Year's resolution from last year. The average resolution lasts three to four days; then we quit. Your parenting goal is to completely change your child's attitude. It's not a one-stop lecture, but a good three-week plan to stay committed to it. This is doable.

A trick with some attitudes is what I call four square. This is how to figure out what's working and what's not with your child:

• Take a piece of paper and fold it into fours.
• On the first square write what it is that is bothering you. Be specific about what he is doing or saying that is bothering you.
• Move to the next square. Write down when he does it. Is there a specific time you see the attitude flaring up? Maybe it's at 4:00 in the afternoon or maybe first thing in the morning. When did it start? You may get a clue when you think about it, that it started when he first started fourth grade. Maybe the class was too hard.
• The next square is "where." Where is he doing it? Only in class? Only at home? Only at the soccer field? You may see a pattern for why he is using the attitude.
• The last square is "who." Who does he do it with and whom does he not do it with? This is a big clue also. Kids use attitude because they work. You'll discover that drives parents crazy. "He doesn't do it with so and so, only with me."
• Flip the paper over and write "how." How are you currently responding to your child? And what are you going to do differently next time?

Attitudes are learned. Children use them because they work. Pretend you're Colombo and figure out what's going on and why the child is using the attitude. It's a big part of getting rid of it. You may see a pattern that you may not have been aware of.

"Attitudes are learned. Children use them because they work. Pretend you're Colombo and figure out what's going on and why the child is using the attitude."

MEMBER QUESTION:
I thought this might be able to help me with my son. He is 12 and I can't get him to do anything. He is very lazy. It has gotten to the point that he will take his clothes off anywhere and leave them. What are a few things that I can try with him? I have taken all of his free-time things away from him and he just doesn't care. Is it OK to take all the extras way from them or does that just feed the fire that they already have? 

BORBA:
It feeds the fire. Set the consequence to the clothes on the ground, because consequences should be natural. Consequences have to fit the crime. He's lazy, he won't pick up the clothes. He's learned that leaving them on the floor works. There's no consequence to it. You set a new rule: "If I pick up the clothes, you don't get them." What happens after a while (the first few he won't care) is he won't have anything left in the closet. Pick your battles wisely, and after a while, to get the clothes back he has to fold them and do his own laundry to get them. 

A big recommendation: buy earplugs, because it's going to be a battle for awhile, but stick to the battle. You have to follow through, because he will test you. Keep up with it until he realizes you mean business. 

MEMBER QUESTION:
Should I start to give his things back to him one by one or just give them all back and say something like, "Here are all your things back; lets try to start over?" 

BORBA:
NO! You don't give it back until the child turns his attitude around. Your job is not to turn your behavior around but his. At age 12 you can have him sign a contract of what he'll do differently, like his own laundry or picking up his own clothes. Create new rules of engagement. Because the other part didn't work; he simply didn't care. The consequence must be fair, clear, fit the crime, and be consistently enforced. So for a 12-year-old, writing a contract ahead of time with both of you signing it may be helpful. 

The final part is that you have to be calm when you do it. No more nagging, no more lecturing, because that will also feed the fire.MEMBER QUESTION:
My child is very controlling with her friends and wants to boss them around. How can I make her see that she is turning them away? 

BORBA:
Ask yourself, why the need to be controlling? That's a big secret to how you will turn it around. Is it because she's insecure; doesn't know how to be a friend; her friends are passive? Has it been modeled after someone else? 

The second step is "The Talk," where you sit down and describe the reactions of the kids. "Did you see how Sally didn't like that; that she was looking kind of unhappy that she was here?" Don't assume that your child sees those cues. 

The third step is that you need to teach her how to be more considerate, and for a demanding, controlling kid, teach her old-time gimmicks like, "If you come to my house, the guest gets to choose first." That's one rule. Another rule is the sand timer. Your guest gets to play for five minutes; then it's your turn. You have to ease control from your child so there's more control for the other kids. You can even teach rock, paper, scissors, or even flip a coin. 

Then the final step is to demand she be more considerate. If those things don't work, then the friends have to go home early, because eventually this will backfire and your child will lose the friend. 

Kids pick up attitudes because they work. They start around the age of 3. All attitudes are learned because kids figure out that they work. The little manipulator at age 3 charms Daddy, and still does it at age 10. 

MEMBER QUESTION:
Our 5-year-old is often rude, selfish, and belligerent despite the application of various timeouts, loss of privileges, and spankings. He will disobey despite warnings of consequences, which vary according to each situation. He always gets three warnings. After the third warning, if the behavior repeats consequences are immediate. There are never more than three warnings and consequences are consistently applied. Why does he continue to misbehave despite the warnings? 

BORBA:
I hate warnings. First of all, for any rude child you don't get three warnings. You struck out the first time you're rude. The child is upping you. So you need to get back into control of the child. They are humans, and they will test. They want to see how far they can go. You wouldn't be able to get away with doing that as an adult; don't let your child. 

"The best approach to any flippant kid is to refuse to engage. Just simply turn and say, 'When you can talk nice, we can talk.'"

MEMBER QUESTION:
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She is negative about everything. I am constantly reminding her that when she was young I told her if she has nothing good to say, don't say anything at all. Will this pass? It's to the point I don't even want to speak to her! 

BORBA:
You are not alone. More and more kids are becoming very cynical, and negativity is learned. To change a negative thinking pattern, help her learn to catch her thinking. So stop nagging it. Use a signal. The secret is, she has to be aware of it. There's a great book called The Optimistic Child. It is wonderful for how to change negative thinking patterns. That's the first step.

MEMBER QUESTION:
My daughter is 11 going on 16 and she is always on the defensive. She back talks more and more to her dad and me. She has a huge heart and will do almost anything you ask her but then she is the opposite all in the same day!

BORBA:
Eleven is also going on preadolescent hormones, which will escalate in the next few years. Step one is to use the silent treatment. The best approach to any flippant kid is to refuse to engage. Just simply turn and say, "When you can talk nice, we can talk." But don't talk until she can talk nicely.

If needed, lock yourself in the bathroom. She's using it because she's getting away with it. Alter your response and she will begin to alter hers when she knows you mean business. Get Dad onboard with you.

MEMBER QUESTION:
My son is a superb athlete. However, he brags about his accomplishments. While he is extremely good and is told so by coaches, he shouldn't toot his own horn so much, especially with his teammates. He is turning the other boys off to him as a person. What can we do?

BORBA:
Lower the curtain on his bragging. You are right. This will turn kids off more than you know. The best approach I saw was a coach who told me that his son was the best player on the team, and benched him anytime he displayed poor sportsmanship, which was also bragging. The message was clear, not only to the child but also to the team, and he never did it again.

Keep in mind that if you don't stop this, people will remember not how good he is, but what a braggart he is. Set up a penalty in your own home for it, to clearly not allow it. Be clear to him so he knows there will be a penalty.

MEMBER QUESTION:
I am concerned about my children's anger. They treat my husband and me very rudely and they think everything revolves around them. I was told to try to claim back the control that the children have. How do you do it when they are ages 18, 14, and 12? They are so sassy and bold. 

BORBA:
You still have control over the car keys, their phone; it's all a matter of how much you want to get the control back. You are paying the rent and letting them have the car keys. So the consequences are ones you control only, like the phone, computer, TV, and you can remove those. Then they'll know you mean business. You have to follow through, and you must be diligent that you will follow through, or you will never turn this around. 

A lot of parents use consequences that they don't have control over. So make sure the consequence is one that you have power over. You can shut off the computer. You can put the phone away. Find the ones that you have the power over, and that means that you have the power over the child. Take the TV out of their room. Drop the instant messaging service on their computer. 

MEMBER QUESTION:
This is really hard for me to tell you, but I have a question about it, so, one day I asked my son to pick up his clothes. He told me no -- that I couldn't tell him what to do and really said something that he shouldn't have said to me and about me. Well, I backhanded him, which is something I never do. I don't smack my kids. I made his nose bleed and now here it is two months later and he says, "Go ahead hit me and make me bleed again; you know you want to." What can I try to do to make him understand that I didn't mean to hit him and get him to stop throwing that one time in my face? 

BORBA:
I don't know what you've tried before, but everyone makes an honest mistake, including (surprise, surprise) parents. So my strongest suggestion is to sit down and offer a sincere apology. Admit the mistake. And then from this moment on, clear your conscience, because your child is throwing this back in your face each time; because he knows how to push the button; and the button he's pushing is guilt. Your best defense is going to be tough, but you need to ignore it. Otherwise, he'll continually use it. 

MEMBER QUESTION:
I have a 14-year-old son with Down syndrome. How can I tell when the attitudes are due to the Downs or puberty? And are solutions and strategies the same for mentally challenged youngsters? 

BORBA:
Yes. Because he may be 14, but he may be operating at a 5-year-old level. My biggest advice to you is don't allow your child's handicap to be an excuse for bad behavior. It's easy to do, and I understand it, but it will get in the way of your child's reputation. Your best approach is to stop him immediately. Say, "Stop! That's not how we act." Now play it again, which means do it over. And your child should be able to stop when he's calm, and replay it. For the child with Down syndrome, you can hit the rewind button on your video player so he understands, then have him do it over. One of the most important things that you can instill in your children is good manners.

"A lot of parents use consequences that they don't have control over. So make sure the consequence is one that you have power over. You can shut off the computer. You can put the phone away. "

MEMBER QUESTION:
I have a grandchild (middle child, male) who appears to feel that whenever he is chastised (lectured, in his words) that we are wrong to do that to him and that it means no one but him ever does anything wrong (he has three other siblings who get chastised at least as often as he does) How do we get to a point where he will accept correction? 

BORBA:
The key thing you are doing is trying to explain things to make things fair. And life is not fair. You're putting too much into the explanation. And the child has picked up an attitude that works, in that he says, "You are picking on me." That's the secret. Someplace along the line he's picked up that notion, and you need to stop, give the criticism that's short, that addresses only the behavior and not him, and then walk away. And don't listen to anything else. 

The other thing is, you all need to be onboard with this plan, meaning parents and grandparents alike. After a while, he'll get the picture. 

MEMBER QUESTION:
My children are three years apart. My daughter being the oldest at 8 is very jealous of her little brother. It has been this way since day one. She is the first child and grandchild. She always says we love him more than her etc. It seems that no matter how much I try to correct the behavior by reassuring her that what she says is not true and that when she was his age we treated her the same, she doesn't change. She also talks to him in a voice with attitude that is very short. Any ideas of what else I can do to stop this behavior? 

BORBA:
First, you've tried to be fair for a very long time. And you've continued to try to tell her that you feel the same way about both of them. The best approach from now on is, one, no longer give the responses back when she says you love him more. Don't respond. You could respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way," or don't respond at all. She's learned that to bait you verbally. 

Secondly, ask yourself if it's legitimate. Are there any ground rules that she may be correct about? If so, alter your behavior. Ask yourself what is triggering it. Could she have low self-esteem, or maybe she's insecure? One-on-one time would work, or even posting on a calendar "here's my time with you," so she can see it, could help. 

Finally, avoid any comparisons or labels. He's smart, he's athletic, etc.MEMBER QUESTION:
My granddaughter is 2 1/2 years old. She is generally a playful child, but she is at times rude and not friendly. She does not want to come and play with us; pushes us away; says "Don't want you." She is stubborn and wants to have her way. She screams in public. What do we do? 

BORBA:
Let's address each behavior. First, being rude. When she's rude, take her shoulders and stop her on the spot. Say, "That's not how we talk. My ears hear only nice things." Say it again, or go sit by yourself for two minutes (one minute per year for the child's age). 

The stubborn and wants-to-have-her-way behavior says you are letting her have too much control. Be calm but consistent, and choose your battles. Don't let her get the control; she's learning it. 

With screaming in public, you're going to have to be inconvenienced. That is, you remove her immediately. Anyplace you are in public, go home or sit in the car. She needs to know it won't be tolerated. She'll keep screaming in public because it works. Don't give in or give her something. 

The key is, for all three behaviors, to be consistent. At age 2 ½ , she's learning the behaviors, and they will escalate. One tip, if you watch her you can usually see in a 2 ½-year-old, right before the melt down or scream, that she's starting to get into that mode. Distract her before she gets there. For a temper tantrum, very often they don't have the words to say, for instance, "I'm tired." You can stop the tantrum by getting to eye level and say the words, "It looks like you're tired, or it looks like you want a cookie." And it will often stop it from going further. 

"Your attitude shapes your children's destiny and their reputation as a human being. The big mistake is thinking, 'It's just a phase,' and that it will go away."

MEMBER QUESTION:
I am a new stepmom; I have raised two children, 23 and 11. I have parameters with my 11-year-old son, but my new husband doesn't set rules with his children (12, 14, and 18). What should I do? 

BORBA:
The thing is, unless you can convince the husband to get on the same page, it will be a nightmare. You both need to be in agreement of expectations in the home, especially if the 11- and 12-year-old are living in the same house. 

Another approach is to sit down with all of you together and try to create family rules. Set up your own family contract. You will at least be hearing what everyone's views are. Good luck. 

MODERATOR:
Dr. Borba, we are almost out of time. Do you have any final words of wisdom for us? 

BORBA:
Most important is to recognize your influence as a parent. Your attitude shapes your children's destiny and their reputation as a human being. The big mistake is thinking, "It's just a phase," and that it will go away. If they're learned, you can turn them around. You need a good makeover plan. Don't Give Me That Attitude gives you 24 customized makeover plans for the attitudes that annoy parents the most. Don't read the whole book; just turn to the attitudes that you want to change, commit yourself to doing the makeover, and stick to it for 21 days. 

MODERATOR:
Thanks to Michele Borba, EdD, for sharing her expertise with us. For more information, please read her book, Don't Give Me That Attitude . And be sure to visit our message boards to talk with others and ask questions of our experts. You'll be welcomed warmly! 

Source: http://www.medicinenet.com/