LIFE AFTER DIVORCE - 3 Survival Strategies

How ex-spouses and their kids can cope after divorce and move beyond the pain.

By Elizabeth Heubeck
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Sixteen years and three children into her marriage, Nancy Michaels' husband dealt her the blow of a lifetime. Out of the blue, he told her he wanted a divorce -- but he wouldn't tell her or their kids why he was leaving. Months later, a sudden and unexpected medical problem found Michaels close to death.

Unable to take care of her children while she was hospitalized, she risked losing custody of them permanently.

Now, less than four years later, with her health back, Michaels has risen from the depths of emotional despair brought on by the blow of an unexpected divorce, regained primary custody of her children, bought a house of her own, and begun a web site exclusively for women over 40 going through divorce. 

Without question, coping with divorce can be one of the most difficult challenges a person faces in a lifetime. Mental health experts say the pain it causes rivals grieving the death of a loved one. But as Michaels' story illustrates, surviving divorce is possible.

WebMD spoke with the pros -- adults who have been through a divorce, as well as counselors who help people survive the effects of divorce -- to learn what coping strategies work to help people through this trying time.

1. Seek Out a Support Network

No single strategy will ease the pain and loss that divorce brings. But time and time again, when asked how best to weather the effects of divorce, respondents say this: lean on a support network.

"Recognize your support network. If it's not strong enough, build it up," says Jennifer Coleman, EdS, NCC, a life transition coach who works with divorce clients of the Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina.

For Michaels, her support network while surviving divorce initially consisted of one good friend. "She has a great sense of humor," Michaels tells WebMD, recalling how she went from crying alone in a movie theater as she watched a romantic love story to laughing out loud afterward when her friend insisted they go to dinner together.

At the suggestion of the judge who oversaw her divorce case, Michaels then expanded her circle of support to include the group Women with Controlling Partners. She's glad she took him up on it. "When you get divorced, most of your old friends run. They're no longer thrilled to have you in their house; there's a dynamic that shifts considerably," she tells WebMD. That hasn't been the case with women in the support group. "We have Friday night pizza with our kids. We'll give each other a ride to the airport if we need it. It really has saved my sanity," Michaels says.

Finding support is not just for women. While women tend to seek and find support rather easily while coping with divorce, men are more likely to hesitate to reach out to others, despite having equally strong emotional needs. Consider David Wood, a handyman who recently went through a bitter divorce. "I was embarrassed, even ashamed. I thought people would think less of me," he says.

It wasn't until a neighbor started sharing his own story about a difficult divorce that Wood felt comfortable enough reciprocating with his own woes -- and finding it incredibly cathartic. "You've got to open up," he says.

While emotional support helps people navigate the initially painful hurdles of divorce, the importance of shoring up assistance for practical purposes post-divorce cannot be overstated. Even before the clouds of her divorce lifted, Susan Perrotta knew she had to be a strong presence for her children, who were barely school age at the time. She made immense sacrifices to be there for them, sometimes pulling all-nighters to complete art projects for clients, then seeing her children off to school in the morning.

A single mother with no family in town, Perrotta essentially raised her children on her own. But she strategically sought and took advantage of support resources available to her. "I made friends with teachers and administrators at my kids' schools. They were fantastic," she tells WebMD.

She also chose to move to a close-knit neighborhood where she could call on neighbors for help in a pinch. She used her pediatrician as a sounding board, recalling him as "a wonderful pediatrician who knew the kids well." And she looked beyond differences with her ex-husband to get him involved. "I pulled him in when I needed his help. I made him work with me," she says.

2. Redefine Yourself

Going through a divorce means no longer being part of a couple, a reality that can come as a relief or a frightening prospect. "For the person who sees him or herself as multifaceted, it's generally a lot easier. But if someone has been nothing but a spouse and saw that as the most important role, it can be pretty crushing," Coleman tells WebMD.

Looking at this time as a period of self-exploration is one way to overcome feelings of isolation and fear. "Take up new hobbies, activities, interests -- expand yourself. Stay busy in a constructive way," suggests Patricia Covalt, PhD, a Denver-based licensed marriage therapist.

Exploring untapped interests can be both a place to positively let go of the grief brought on by divorce and a way to redefine yourself. Wood, devastated by not seeing his children on a daily basis, threw himself into starting and cultivating a community garden. "It was a big help. I'd physically exhaust myself working there. It kept my mind from wandering," he says. Taking ownership of the garden also served as a productive hobby, in which Wood grew not only seasonal vegetables and fruits but also stronger friendships with other community members.

3. Minimize the Impact on Kids

While coping with divorce, pain is inevitable -- but soon-to-be ex-spouses have the power to minimize the pain their children feel by keeping things as amicable as possible.

"You're dealing with a lot of grief and personal feelings. But always avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children," says Jennipher Cole, LPC-S, a marriage and family therapist with the DePelchin Children's Center in Houston.

She has seen the poor outcomes of clients who ignore this advice: in younger children, regressive behavior like bed-wetting; in older children and teenagers, low self-esteem and risky behavior.

Cole also warns against pulling children into any conflict with an ex-spouse, a scenario that provokes "taking sides."

Others echo her sentiments. "If you put your kids in the middle, it's a short gain with a long loss. I'm much more interested in maintaining a long-term relationship with my kids," Michaels says.

Source: http://www.webmd.com/

MARRIAGE - 15 Things No One Ever Tells You About Marriage

MARRIAGE TIPS

15 Things No One Ever Tells You About Marriage

It's time for some real talk about 'til death do us part.

PUBLISHED: JULY 2, 2014  |  BY ASHLEY OERMAN

Marriage is pretty freakin' awesome. It means you've found that person that you want to spend forever with—and chances are you celebrated that in a big way. But aside from all the unsolicited advice that brides and grooms are bombarded with, there are a few marriage truths that you probably won't realize until you're actually hitched. So we went straight to the source—married people—and asked them for the tips, truths, and life lessons that no one ever tells you about marriage: 

"Everything doesn't change after you get married. If you're in the right relationship and you marry the right person the only thing that should change is maybe your last name and the box you check on forms." —Karyn A.

"That whole 'in sickness and in health' thing will come up more than you think—like when you have to nurse him through a bad hangover or he has to help soothe your raging PMS. Now that's lasting love." —Lindsay K.

"Be friends, not clones of each other, and enjoy what you both bring to the table." –Bill M.

"Marriage isn't boring. You'll be continually amazed by how much your husband surprises you with a new story, some "best friend" you've never heard of, and some distant cousin whose name has never been mentioned." —Meredith H.

"Something no one told me was that by marrying my husband I'd be marrying his family." —Gabriela W.

"During a late night fight, don't sit up for hours trying to find common ground just because the words "Never go to bed angry" are beaten into your heads. The longer you fight, the more irritable you'll get and one of you will say something you'll regret. Just lay down and everything will be clearer in the morning."  —Karen D.

"You have to be OK with each other having some alone time each day and guy time and girl time without each other, often." —Nathon J.

"Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty!" —Sarah S.

"No one ever told me that I would be comfortable passing gas, vomiting, or even pooping around my husband. It sounds silly, but I was terrified to do any of these things around a man." —Anissa P.

"Don't take each other too seriously. It leads to arguments." —Ella S.

"That you have to continue to date each other even after you get married and have kids. It'll always be important to get dressed up, go out, have fun together, and remember why you got married in the first place." —Amy S.

"Your relationship will get even better after you get married! You might have so much fun together that you'll give yourselves years to just enjoy being married before you have kids." —Heather S.

"You don't realize how insanely nuts his little habits like singing in the morning and whistling will make you. But eventually you'll start to like them." —Keely W.

"You'll be shocked by how outsiders seem to view your relationship as being way more serious now and how eager they'll be for you to have kids right away." —Madeleine B.

"Boys poop a lot." —Molly W.

Source: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/

CONCEPTION MISCONCEPTIONS - 7 Fertility Myths Debunked

By Rachael Rettner, Senior Writer   |   May 09, 2014 04:09pm ET

There are many things couples trying to have a baby can do to boost their chances of pregnancy. But there is also a lot of misinformation out there about fertility, so experts say people should be careful about which advice they heed.

Here are seven common misconceptions about getting pregnant:

It takes a long time to get pregnant after stopping birth control pills.

Many women think that, after they stop taking birth control pills, it will take them six to 12 months to get back to regular menstrual cycles, and that during this time, their chances of pregnancy are reduced.

But studies show this is not the case, said Dr. Jani Jensen, an obstetrician/gynecologist at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.

In a study of 200 women who took birth control pills for at least a year, 40 percent had a period or became pregnant just one month after they stopped taking the pill. And by three months post-pill, nearly 99 percent had a period or became pregnant, Jensen said.

Jensen recommended that women who haven't had a spontaneous period within three months of stopping birth control pills be evaluated to see if there's a problem affecting their ability to produce eggs.

Couples who want to have a baby should always try for a year before seeking fertility help.
Doctors in the United States generally define infertility as not conceiving after one year of unprotected sex, but some couples should not wait an entire year to get evaluated if they don't become pregnant.

Studies show that many couples become pregnant within a few months of trying: Among couples without fertility problems, 60 percent will be pregnant within three months, and 75 percent within six months.

Doctors recommend that women age 35 and older try for no longer than six months before seeking a fertility evaluation, Jensen said. Women younger than 35 should still try for a year, unless they have a condition that could make it difficult to become pregnant, such as a menstrual cycle longer than 35 days, Jensen said. In the latter case, they shouldn't wait a full year to seek an evaluation.

Women who monitor their body temperature to boost their conception chances should wait until their temperature goes up before having intercourse.
Monitoring body temperature is one way women can track their fertility over the course of the month and boost the chances of conception. But women shouldn't wait until after their temperatures rise to have intercourse because this temperature rise (about 0.1 degrees Fahrenheit, or 0.6 degrees Celsius) happens after an egg is released, Jensen said.

"If you wait to have intercourse to that point, your chance of success is now reduced by more than half," Jensen said.

Women have the best chance of becoming pregnant if they have intercourse on the day before ovulation, because sperm can live in the female reproductive track for several days, Jensen said.

"What the data seem to suggest is that if there's sperm really ready and waiting at the time the egg is released that that has the best chance of success," Jensen said.

If a man has had a child in the past, he can't be the reason that a couple is infertile.
Some couples think that if they are having trouble getting pregnant, it can't be a problem with the man if he's fathered a child before. But there are many reasons why this is not necessarily true, Jensen said.

"The fact that you had fathered a pregnancy in the past doesn't mean that you have a guarantee for the future," Jensen said.

Many things could have changed in the years since the man first fathered a child. For example, the man could have gained weight or developed thyroid disease, both of which can affect fertility, Jensen said.

There's also a remote possibility that the man wasn't really the father of the child, Jensen said.

Couples should have intercourse every day to increase the chances of pregnancy.

In the days leading up to ovulation, women have a window of time when they can become pregnant. But couples don't need to have intercourse every day during this period — every other day is just as good, Jensen said.

For most women, the "fertility window" is days 10 to 20 of their cycle (counting day one as the first day of menstrual bleeding), Jensen said. So having intercourse every other day in this window is a general recommendation to increase pregnancy chances, Jensen said.

Certain coital positions can increase the chance of pregnancy.

The idea that coital position affects pregnancy chances, or the gender of a baby, is a myth, Jensen said.

"Doing things like lying down with your feet in the air doesn't increase the chance of pregnancy at all," Jensen said.

Expensive vitamins help with fertility.

Some expensive vitamin products are marketed as a way to improve fertility, but the evidence to support this claim is weak, Jensen said. "I strongly urge patients not to take expensive vitamins," Jensen said.

Source: http://www.livescience.com/

MARRIAGE - 10 Signs He's Not Ready for Marriage

SIGNS A MAN IS NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE

10 Signs He's Not Ready for Marriage

That ring may be nowhere near his radar.

PUBLISHED: MAY 2, 2014  |  BY CLINT CARTER

ISTOCK/THINKSTOCK

I have a few buddies—married men, now—who used to drink and sleep around like you wouldn't believe. In college, their dorm rooms smelled like gym shorts and beer cans. If I'd given it any thought at all (which, I admit, I didn't), I would have sworn they'd never get married, or at the very least, that they'd be the last of our group to pop the question.

But over the last few years, I've seen these knuckleheads change from keg-stand champions to husbands and—gulp—even fathers, because at some point, something changed in them. And that's a common story with guys: We never seem ready to settle down until, well, we are. 

Knowing these guys through their philandering years and into matrimonial bliss has helped me recognize some of the ways guys change when they start to think long-term about relationships. So if you're wondering whether a guy sees himself as serially single or ready to lock it down, here are a few of the telltale signs he's not ready for the ring: 

He Can't Make Big Decisions
His reluctance to marry might not be about you at all. If he can't decide on, say, what career path he wants to follow or where he wants to live, he probably doesn't know himself well enough to settle down yet. 

When He Talks About His Future, He Doesn't Talk About You
In 10 years he wants to be a CEO with a huge yacht and a leash-trained lion named Simba. Great. As he's musing out loud about these plans, does he speculate on how you'll fit in? If he's talking about moving to São Paulo, does he ask if you like warm weather? Because these things matter. Even if he's just joking around, it's a bad sign if he constantly talks about his future self as a lone wolf—unless, of course, you're the lion on the leash, which would make for some very strange role playing.

He doesn't ask about your long-term goals
Again, if he's not yet tailoring his pipe dreams to yours, he's not yet thinking about your lives together. It's not like he has to account for every little detail, but if he isn't showing an interest in your future, it might be because he doesn't see himself in it.  

He Doesn't Handle Conflicts Well
Relationships require maintenance, and hey, fights happen. But when you get into a spat, does he launch right into a blowout fight or calmly try to explain why something bothers him? Does he talk to you when he's upset or totally shut down emotionally? If he loses his cool during small disagreements, it's not a good sign for any of the larger conflicts that may come down the line. 

He Makes Odd Noises During Romantic Comedies
If it's just minor eye-rolling during the cheesiest and most cliché-riddled scenes (he stopped the wedding at the altar?! He raced through airport security just to kiss her?!), then don't read too far into it. But if he's grunting, growling, and whimpering like he's in pain for the entire duration of Titanic, he's sending a message. You're just not his Rose. 

He Avoids Your Family
If he doesn't want to attend your parents' anniversary party with you, then he probably isn't thinking of them as his future in-laws. 

He Won't Split Any Big Purchases
Say you've moved in together, and you need a new kitchen table, a headboard, a Vitamix, and some pink flamingos for the lawn. It makes sense to split them, right? Of course it does—if you feel confident that you'll never fight for ownership. If he makes a clear declaration of who owns what ("you buy the headboard, and I'll handle the flamingos."), then he's probably not yet feeling that confidence. 

He Doesn't Like Your Friends
Accepting you means accepting the people who you surround yourself with. If he can't bring himself to do that—or at least make an effort—then he's not ready for a serious commitment.  

He Downplays Your Relationship in Front of His Guys
Invariably, somebody will make an awkward joke about you being husband and wife, or they'll ask flat-out when you're going to get hitched. It's one thing if he deflects with something harmless ("She'd never be able to put up with my crap"), but it's another if he takes a firm stance ("No way—we're a million years from even thinking about it."). Similarly, if he jokes about breaking up or about the hot other women he wishes he could sleep with—despite the fact that it makes you uncomfortable–then he's not marriage material. 

He Criticizes You
He doesn't like that you wear so much pink? Or that you take days off work to hang out with friends? Or that you'll spend $60 on a blowout? (I'll be honest: I'm not even totally sure what a blowout is). If he's constantly voicing disapproval over the small things, then he's not ready to take on the big things. You can do better.

Source: http://www.womenshealthmag.com

MID LIFE CRISIS - Study Says Mid-Life Crises Are Definitely Real

MID LIFE CRISIS

Study Says Mid-Life Crises Are Definitely Real

Plus, how to be happier at any age

PUBLISHED: MARCH 25, 2014  |  BY KENNY THAPOUNG

In seriously depressing news, people tend to experience their lowest happiness levels between the ages of 40 and 42, according to a recent study conducted by the IZA Institute for the Study of Labor.

For the study, researchers analyzed survey data on life satisfaction at various ages from people 70 years and older. Nationally representative samples from the U.K., Australia, and Germany were included in the study. On average, researchers found that people said they felt the least satisfied in their early forties, which researchers suspect is the time they're most likely to go through a mid-life crisis.

Of course, more research is needed to confirm these findings and determine why people's happiness levels may take a plunge during these years. It could be that people find it difficult to accept life at this age, says psychologist Katherine Muller, Psy.D., who was not part of the study. Many major life events—like graduating college, buying a house, and raising a family—happen before the age of 40, so some people struggle with having these milestones behind them, says Muller.

Of course, everyone has high and low points—and in fact, people didbecome happier as the years went on, according to the study. Luckily, you can train yourself to be happier at any age. Start by making these 11 tiny life changes that’ll bring you major bliss.

Source: http://www.womenshealthmag.com

PEOPLE - Top 10 Ways to Deal with a Snoopy Neighbor

Article by sarojaVasanth, March 23, 2014


We live in societies surrounded by people all around us few of those are friends and well wishers, few might be those who do not care, and few are simply just curious to know everything that happens in our lives. Believe me when I say, that I know your problem of one such snoopy neighbor living your next door and whom neither you can avoid, nor you want to be close by, as months back I went through a similar problem and I had to deal with it.

It is always healthy to have neighbors and get along with people in your surroundings, but there is always a limit and one should not cross the line of privacy of the other person. Not all fingers look alike, similarly not all neighbors are bad or annoying or a trouble maker. There are some good people and it is much necessary to have people around you for a lot many reasons.

So before you judge or decide a neighbor to avoid, because his or her behaviors are making you annoyed, troubled and invading your privacy, make sure how much of trouble the person is.

They come in different forms, some might be simply curious and over friendliness which might be unnecessary for us, some might be over protective of a neighbor or sometimes there can be a stalker who might be dangerous as well.

So before you learn how to deal with that someone for the sake whom you dread to pass through your door in the morning or to enter peacefully by the time you return back to your home, try to learn about the person a bit more and about why they do whatever they do.

Here are 10 ways to deal with a snoopy or a nosy neighbor,

10. Tell them straight

One hell of a way to deal with a snoopy neighbor is just be straight to them and tell them not to intervene in your personal matters and maintain distance. Although I agree this sounds a bit aloof and painful way and sometimes it is also sure that you might loose a neighbor. At times some people gets so annoying that there will be no options left and going along with the invasion of a third person in our day to day activities can be stressful. At such times, telling them directly to stop snooping around you or your family could be the only option and if need be, one have to do.

9. Politely decline to answer their questions

As much as it is satisfactory to tell someone to butt off from our lives, we still have to think of its consequences sometimes, we never know when the person comes in handy. It is always advisable to analyze the kind of trouble the neighbor is posing, is it harming you in a large perspective, or is it just a kind of irritation. Try to talk to the person in a polite way, and let them know about what they are trying to do is causing a discomfort to you and you would like if they can change it. You can say things like, after small chat with them “ I have noticed you watching over me lately, but please do not worry, I will take care myself, and please do not stress yourself or worry yourself to look out for me, it makes me bit uncomfortable” and also “ If I need any help I will surely turn up to you”. Things like that could be told in a polite way which can save your name an another trip in the gossip bulletin, that you and your neighbor had a tiff.

8. Make friends if it is a lonely elderly people

Believe me it works and this is what I did when I had one such similar problem. When we move into a new place and trying to make new friends and getting acquainted with the people around us, we build up our own likes and dislikes towards different families. In most families and in every part of the world there is an old age person who would love gossip and who tries to snoop around their neighbors and who is always curious to know what happening in their lives. Such people try to build their own stories and theories, but some are really harmless. So just invite the person to a coffee some day to your home, and be your nicer self. Once you get to know the person and they get to know you, sometimes people stop gossiping about you or even to bother you just because they start liking you and do not wish to hurt your feelings.

7. Talk to other family member

If a snoopy neighbor has got a family living along with him or her, than it can be for our advantage as it always helps. Sometimes it is not easy to talk to the person either directly or indirectly in a polite way to stop being as nosy as they are and you would like to have some privacy. In such cases it always helps if there is any other family member and if you could have a chat with them. Talk to the other family person and let them know about how you are feeling and find out a way to stop the trouble. Maybe the family person might suggest some ideas, or they can even have a word with the neighbor you have trouble with. Sometimes the troubling neighbor might be an young person and their parents can have a word with him or her habits. So take aid of family people to stop the troubles of your neighbor.

6. Get police protection in case of a stalker

Its an uncertain world, and we never know who lives next door. We might think we know the person well, but many a times, the person who is most friendly with all is the one turns out to be a culprit of crime. So be careful, and keep a watch if your neighbor is just a harmless nosy person or if he or she is really stalking you. There are some people who try to know everything about who visits your place, and they learn about those people too, tries to have details about you, follows you where you go, keeps watching every time you walk out and walk in, taking pictures of you, etc can all be the symptoms of a serious stalker. In such cases it is always better to change the place if its rented or take police protection. Keep your house protected with camera and alarms.

5. Irritate them by asking for things every time they snoop at you

People who gossip and snoop around others are the one who usually do not like to be disturbed or do not like to be noticed. They just try to know about your lives in which ever way they can and sometimes they even come to you and ask directly about what they might have heard. So shock them when you notice them trying to hear about whatever happening in your home and ask for simple favors every time, you notice them. This will keep them at bay. For example, when you have guest on your front door and you all having a good time, your neighbor obviously wants to know what the fun is all about. Call out to him or her, say ‘Hi’ loudly, and ask them if she or he can lend few chairs and bit of any eatables available as you have sudden guest at home and you have run out of stalk. Very less people are generous to lend things when it gets repetitive and they like to stay indoor for the fear of you asking something else from their house.

4. Be exclusive and keep your activities behind doors

Talking mouths always needs something new, and if you feed these mouths it never stops. There is a saying as “ where there is a smoke there have to be a fire”, so when there is a gossip there has to be something. The story might be twisted, but every gossip will be having some angle through which it came from. Hence keep your personal matters private and your activities private. Be as much as exclusive among others and maintain a distance with the gossiping group of your locality. Make friends with all and share little about your private life. As much as you like to share what the fight was all about between you and your spouse, or you and your parent or in laws etc, none can give a solution to it. If need be you can talk to a trusted friend but certainly not with a neighbor. Let others not know what happens inside your house everyday.

3. Tit for Tat

Agree its not right but nothing wrong if it helps. Some people plainly needs to know the pain they are causing others and when they realize the pain what they are giving to others, they stop. It might not help always, but we can try. Next time when your neighbor come asking you questions about your private life or things which you do not wish to talk about, ask them a question about them which you might know, and which you know that it can be a discomfort for them to answer. The next moment he or she will be running off to his or home back is for sure, when you start interfering their lives. Well, yes! you need to know about the person a bit to talk about. But careful do not ever gossip whatever you learn to other neighbors, nothing can be as worse than that. You only want to send the nosy neighbor sniffing back his tail to his home and not trouble you any further.

2. Ignore

As difficult it sounds, ignoring is the best solution of all. Some neighbors are very troublesome and have to be dealt with and some are harmless. They only have one thing to pass their time is by talking about the things happening around us and its not only you they target on or its not that they have any personal grudge on you. As long as what they talk to you asking too many unwanted questions about your life or try to talk about you to others, is harmless, the best way to deal, is ignore them. Ignore the person without having much of talk, let the person know that you ignore. When he or she realizes that you do not care about what talks are about or that you do not wish to talk to them, such people gradually stop either talking to you or talking about you. Because after some time, the same things gets boring and they always need something juicer.

1. Call them with nick names, warn family members

People who tend to gossip have a kind of habit and for some its an addiction, They do not realize what they are doing and how they are harming others, Talking to such people and letting them know can also be useless sometimes, as they just simply cannot stop. All that we can do is just ignore, but we do not wish our personal matters be a talk in the gossip world as well. Such nosy neighbors even try to know matters in all possible ways, like they might try to talk to the other family members of us, or if there are children around. Young children might not know the intention of such people, and they just plainly answer every questions asked to them. Hence inform your family members about such neighbor, have nick name to him or her, so that you can warn the family members when the neighbor is watching. For example lets call the nosy neighbor as ‘cat’. You and your children are in the front yard planting flowers and your kid is talking about something which you do not wish others to know, and your snoopy neighbor is trying to hear, you can just say to your child that he or she should stop because there is a cat. Of course the family members should know the nick name as well and be well informed as not to talk to the neighbor about anything.

Source: http://listdose.com

RELATIONSHIP - How to Get out of a Bad Relationship, 10 Tips

Article by Sanya Jain, February 1, 2014

Congratulations! The fact that you are reading this means that you have gathered the courage to come out of a bad relationship. That’s excellent news. It means that value yourself and you don’t want to continue to be in a relationship that is harming you. Now how do you go about breaking up? Read on:

10. Identify that the relationship is a bad one

The most important step towards getting out of a bad relationship is identifying the fact that you are in one. Many a times, people simply go into denial about the fact that their relationship is no good. At other times, they try to make it work knowing full well that their attempts are futile. Sometimes people in bad marriages stay on for the sake of their kids.  So what constitutes a bad relationship? Well, the worst kind is when one partner is abusive towards the other. And by abusive, I don’t mean just physically abusive. Abuse can be verbal and emotional as well- threats, blackmails, foul language- all constitute verbal and emotional abuse. Secondly, it might be that the relationship is just not working out in spite of the fact that both the people in it tried their best. If this is the case, then it might just be better to call it quits instead of trying to repair the irreparable. Your partner could be cheating on you, is too controlling, excessively jealous. You have to decide when it is time to break things off. Either ways, the first step towards coming out of a bad relationship is identifying the signs and letting go of the denial.

9. Protect Yourself

This one is for people who found the strength to break away from an abusive relationship. If you fear harassment or abuse, take the necessary steps to protect yourself. Don’t go out without another person, avoid talking to your ex and even enlist help from the police if you think it appropriate. If your partner has resorted to violence earlier, there is a fair chance he might do it again. While breaking up with an abusive partner, it is best to pack up and leave quietly without informing him. If you don’t, chances are that you will be forced to stay on against your will.

8. Your partner should be the first one to know

It is only common courtesy. Do not tell your friends, co-workers or family before you tell your partner. If the word gets around to him or her that you are planning to break up, things could get disagreeable. If you do need to confide in someone before breaking up, make sure it is a trusted family member or friend, someone who will not gossip. Don’t let the whole world know it is going to happen before your partner gets to know. Even after the break up, be tactful. Don’t brag about it or go around telling the story to complete strangers. Respect the fact that you were in a relationship with someone even if it did not work out.

7. Don’t do it over the digital spectrum

If you are coming out of a long term relationship, your partner deserves that you at least do it in person. Actually, this applies even if the relationship wasn’t a very long one. Nobody deserves to get dumped over a text message. Give your partner a chance to voice his/her thoughts and concerns. I know it can be tempting to avoid face to face confrontations (they can get seriously ugly if you are not careful) and take the cowardly route out, but try to avoid doing that. Instead of changing your relationship status on facebook and hoping your partner would get the hint, try talking to him or her in real life. You owe it to your partner to provide a proper explanation. In today’s world where technology is interwoven in our daily life, breaking up with someone over a text or a phonecall or a whatsapp message or through facebook inbox is all too common. That doesn’t mean it is right. Even if your relationship was a bad one, you need to have the courage to say it in person. That way, you avoid hurting your partner more and it also lessens the chances of misunderstandings.

6. Explain

You owe your partner an explanation for the break up. When you are breaking up, give proper reasons as to why you are doing it. Explain honestly what prompted you to take this step, give reasoned arguments and do not beat around the bush. Above all, be truthful in your explanations. Don’t leave your partner feeling like crap at the end of the Big Talk (unless he was abusive towards you, in which case, please do). Don’t use clichéd lines like ‘We can always be friends’ or ‘I will call you’ if you don’t want to be friends after parting ways and you don’t intend to call him/her ever again. Make your stance completely clear and don’t give a muddled break up speech. Before having the talk, think rationally and plan out what you are going to say. When you decide to part ways, your partner deserves to know what lead to that decision, so give him or her that at least.

5- Stick to your stance

So you followed my advice and did not break up over a text, and now your partner is crying/ bawling/ pleading/ threatening/ emotionally blackmailing you. *sigh*. The key is to ‘screw your courage to the sticking place’ (as Lady Macbeth would have put it) and not be swayed by the tears or the hurtful words. I know it is easier said than done but trust me you, you will only be doing yourself a favour. If you have already identified your relationship as a bad one, there is no point in dragging it out further. No matter what you do, don’t get influenced by hollow promises of change or emotional blackmails. It is extremely extremely extremely important (I can not stress this enough) that you think hard before taking the decision to break up. And now that you have decided, don’t waver from your resolve. You will only end up giving your partner false hope and hurting both yourself and him or her in the process. Besides, if the relationship is a bad one, then you deserve better. So get out of it instead of drawing it out further.

4. Don’t let things get ugly

Sometimes when you are breaking up, things can get really ugly between the two of you. Okay fine. That happens most of the time. If your relationship was a bad one, especially if your partner was abusive or controlling towards you, things are bound to get a little ugly. He or she might not take the news that you have decided to move on very well. As far as is possible for you, try to keep things amicable. Nobody needs extra ugliness in their life. In order to make sure that your break up isn’t excessively messy, keep your break up speech short and to the point. Try to steer clear of past misdeeds and blame games, as those are the things that can make a break up truly horrible. Also, do not hit below the belt. That would be unfair. Don’t shout, don’t lie, don’t make excuses and don’t throw things at each other. Not so hard, is it? But seriously, if you and your partner part on good terms, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary ugliness in the future. Besides, nobody needs the emotional baggage of an unpleasant break up. So try your level best to not stir things up.

3. Support System

Taking the decision to break up was tough. Actually carrying it out was even tougher. Now what you need in your life is a good support system- old friends, family, people you trust. Break ups can be rough on one’s mental health and self esteem. It is essential that you have a good, supporting friend or family member to turn to whenever you are feeling low. In fact even before the break up, it is such a support system in your life which provides you with the strength to carry out your decision. It is definitely not easy to leave your partner, so ensure that you have people in your life who encourage and motivate you and support your decision. If your break up was a particularly ugly one, consider seeing a therapist. Admit the fact that it might be difficult to function well without supporting family and friends, and don not build walls around yourself and weep. If your well meaning friends try to distract you from your misery, allow them to do the same. Who knows? It might just be helpful.

2. Cut off all contact

It can only be too tempting to pick up the phone, dial your ex’s number, apologize and get back together because you feel lonely. Alternatively, it is only too easy to give in to your ex’s pleas of getting back together, again, because you feel lonely and worthless. Don’t give in to temptation, however. The first few weeks after a break up are the toughest. If you sway in your decision then, well, I don’t really know what will happen then. But I can bet won’t be particularly pleasant. Furthermore, your partner might coerce or try to force you back into the relationship. To avoid such a scenario, cut off all contact from him or her for a couple of months. If you think you can be easily swayed, put your partner’s number in the block list and don’t reply to text. It will help you get over the bad relationship quicker.

1. Move on

Now that the deed is done, the most important thing to do is to move on. Your self esteem might have taken a hit, but remember that you just found the courage to get out of a bad relationship and that you deserve much, much better. Don’t brood or wallow in self pity for too long, or you might be tempted to patch things up. Distract yourself, take up a new hobby, meet people, renew friendships. There is so much that you can do! Discover the person inside you that you stifled while in that bad relationship. While all this time we have been talking about how you owe it to your partner, now you owe it to yourself to let go and move on. The surest way to avoid being pulled back is to stop caring about your ex. It might take time, in fact, it Will take time. But try to help yourself in this process of moving on. Good Luck 

LOVE - Parents force daughter to agree she will leave her disabled boyfriend if he does not learn to walk within three years (and she has six months left to help him)

Parents force daughter to agree she will leave her disabled boyfriend if he does not learn to walk within three years (and she has six months left to help him)

• Yan Hongbo injured himself in motorbike accident in April 2009
• Yang Nan was told her paralysed boyfriend had three years to learn to walk
• Parents have now given them another six months after time came and went

By JAMES RUSH

PUBLISHED: 13:58 GMT, 20 February 2014 | UPDATED: 15:23 GMT, 20 February 2014

 
 
 

42 shares

16

View
comments

The parents of a 23-year-old Chinese woman forced her to agree to leave her paralysed boyfriend if he could not learn to walk within three years.

Yang Nan was told her parents would only give permission for her to stay with Yan Hongbo, 27, who was seriously injured in a motorbike accident in 2009, if he learned to walk again within the three years.

The time however has now passed and Mr Hongbo has not recovered. Her parents have agreed to allow another six months after their daughter begged them to let her stay with Mr Hongbo.

+5

Yang Nan was told she would have to leave her paralysed boyfriend Yan Hongbo if he was unable to learn to walk again in three years

+5

Mr Hongbo was seriously injured in a motorbike accident in April 2009

She said: 'I don't know what to do, I know that he can be cured but we don't have any money now for medical treatment. We don't even have enough money to properly get by day-to-day. We need a miracle.'

Mr Hongbo meanwhile has agreed with his girlfriend's parents that she should leave him and have a life of her own if they can't treat his paralysis.

He said: 'I don't see any future for her with me, she has a bright future ahead of her. If we can't get my legs fixed I have made her promise that she will do as her parents want if we don't get things sorted in the next six months.'

More...

• Saved in 66 seconds: Dramatic CCTV shows suicidal woman trying to jump to her death... before being rescued by SIXTEEN Good Samaritans
• Reluctant bride agrees to be transported to her wedding on a COW as eccentric groom channels his inner cattle herd

The couple, who live in Qionglai city in south west China's Sichuan province, were good friends, although not in a relationship, at the time of Mr Hongbo's accident in April 2009.

The young car mechanic was riding his motorcycle on a mountain road, and ended up slipping off a cliff in the rain.

He was left paralysed from the waist down after falling more than 100ft on to rocks below.

+5

Miss Nan's parents have now given them another six months after she begged them to let them stay together

+5

Mr Hongbo has agreed with his girlfriend's parents that she should leave him and have a life of her own if his paralysis cannot be treated

Following his release from hospital his parents argued bitterly about the situation. After one particularly violent argument his father attacked his mother who died as a result.

He claimed it was an accident but was jailed for 10 years, leaving Mr Hongbo to care for himself.

Miss Nan read about the story in the local paper and contacted him online.

+5

Miss Nan said: 'I don't know what to do, I know that he can be cured but we don't have any money now for medical treatment. We don't even have enough money to properly get by day-to-day. We need a miracle'

She ended up going to visit him before calling her parents to let them know she was not coming back and was giving up her job to care for him.

Despite being unhappy with her decision they agreed the deal where she could stay with Mr Hongbo for three years, during which time he needed to get medical attention and learn to walk again.

Mr Hongbo, who has agreed with her parents that his girlfriend should leave him if his paralysis can not be treated, said he hoped his father might be freed early enough from prison to look after him again.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2563836/Parents-force-daughter-agree-leave-disabled-boyfriend-does-not-learn-walk-three-years-six-months-left-help-him.html#ixzz2tuGEftqz
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook